The holidays are coming

Most of my adult life, I have spent Christmas with my family. Christmas Eve morning is usually spent with my dad making fresh wontons in preparation for the multiple rounds of Chinese hotpot on the day. Our family would eat ourselves into food comas, maintained by the copious number of snacks gifted to us by neighbours and family friends. And more recently, we’d play mahjong until our brains turn to mush for the day. Then on Christmas Day, we’d do it all over again, except Christmas Day was usually the one time of year when I take over the kitchen to cook for my family. And usually, it would be a roast rack of lamb with all the trimmings. Though gifts would come first. Boxing Day was always spent with extended family. More food and games and fun times.

But this year, there won’t be any of that. This year, I will be on my own over the holidays. Don’t get me wrong, I live by myself so I am used to being alone, but this year feels like it would be decidedly lonely. A time of year where everyone around me is cozying up with partners and family and I will have neither. I always felt like this time would come. My parents are in HK, my brother is with his wife’s family and my sister is with her boyfriend’s family. When I found out, an overwhelming feeling of dread swept over my entire being. Suddenly, I was left behind again, and not where I wanted to be. It triggered a ton of insecurities at once and all I could do was pretend that everything was fine. “It’s fine,” I said. I didn’t want them to know what I was thinking or feeling, in that moment, that I wasn’t able to express myself or process it because of the dread that was almost paralysing me. I began to catastrophise; I wouldn’t have anyone to spend Christmas with; my colleagues will ask me what I did over the holidays; I wouldn’t know how to answer; (some) people will pity me; I’ll be embarrassed, and my inner bully will raise his head once again.

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

I usually feel the same way around the holidays, even when I am surrounded by family. The feeling of loneliness is not something new with me but the label is. I’ve always been the odd one out whenever I’m with family; the loser nerd who lives on his own and doesn’t have a girlfriend in his 30’s. And that’s why I can sometimes be sad, detached and aloof, even in the presence of close family, when we’re eating, watching TV or playing mahjong. It’s a tiring attitude and mindset to have, to think that another year has passed and another year I’m plodding along in life with minimal purpose, motivation and conviction.

So what do I do? For the time being, I’m just trying to hold it together while dreading any social interaction in the coming weeks. I’m going to try and keep my inner bully in check and try not to let him kick me when I’m down. I’m going to take the opportunity to focus on myself and my health since I have been letting that slide. I’m going to try and move on with my life and leave behind the heartbreaks in 2022 and explore, new places, new food and new people to enrich my time left here on this spinning blue marble. And I’d love it if you came on this journey with me because I have no idea what I’m doing and I would very welcome the company. Or don’t. It’s your life or whatever. Just be nice.