Imposter!

As soon as I started working in my current job in the scientific sector, I instinctively felt like I didn’t belong. The black sheep. The ugly duckling. Bambi, struggling to stand on his own two (plus two) feet who had no idea how he got there, what he was meant to do and just crazy impressed at how smart everyone else around him was. I couldn’t live up to that, surely. And don’t call me Shirley. What was I doing there?

The philosopher Bertrand Russell once said, “The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.” Sure, I may be one of the intelligent ones (right…) but I’ve recently come to realise that I might just be so aware of everything that I don’t actually know anything, which heightens the feelings of inadequacy, undeserving and just being plain dumb.

Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash

The trigger was that I was meant to be an “expert” in my particular field, since there was no one else in the UK office who had the skill set that I apparently possessed. It took two extra interviews and a slightly lower pay grade that was originally offered. Senior management saw me as the guy who “might have the potential to be an expert but let’s hire him anyway cos his future line manager insisted he was worth the risk”. So I got the job! But already I felt like I was on the back foot.

With the questionable hire behind me, I got stuck in. But if I was completely honest with myself, I didn’t know what I was doing. What I did know though, was that these guys were smart. The science ran through their veins as though every published scientific article had central line access to their knowledge centres. And I felt completely out of my depth. How do I fit in to this well-oiled machine that is my team? Was my lack of medical knowledge in this therapy area going to be my downfall? Why do I feel like an outcast even though everyone is so warm and welcoming? Do I deserve to be here? Questions that creep in every now and again when I get knocked for six.

I am not my feelings, my thoughts or my emotions, or what I think might happen in the future. I am where I am today because of my actions that have led me to this point.

Case in point, this blog. This written expression of my ramblings and brain dumps of some of my innermost and personal thoughts. I had been ‘umming’ and ‘ahhing’ about whether to do something like this for years, exposing my vulnerabilities to the ether. I first thought about starting this blog when I wanted to connect with British-born Chinese people and quickly realised that I didn’t know where to look or who to tell or whether anyone would read this and then my crippling anxieties would set in and I’d make excuses. No one cares what I have to say. No one needs to know about how I am constantly grappling with British culture and Chinese traditions. No one wants to hear from a random faceless guy on the Internet. As I’m writing this, I still don’t know whether those thoughts have any truth to them. But the only way to find out is to give it a go and walk a mile in the shoes of the imposter.

I have gotten this far in life by thinking 98% of the time that I am not worthy, that I don’t belong, that I am not deserving of my achievements. But 2% of the time, I feel the love, the gratitude and the positive vibes that emanate from those I meet. It was a friend who recently encouraged me to go for this. “I have been thinking of writing a blog for years but never got round to it,” I said. “You totally should do it!” she said. “You’d be great at it!” she said. It was the slap in the face, the kick up the arse, the push over the edge that made me set up this blog and stare down my imposter in the face. She won’t know that though since we’ve drifted apart with our lives but that’s a whole other story.

So here I am! Looking at my imposter right in the eye. This is me. This is my life. This is my rambling for the day.

If you like it, read more or get in touch! Only if you have nice things to say though. Or don’t. It’s your life or whatever. Just be nice.