You are not alone

Now I want to start off by saying that I have never been formally diagnosed with a mental health condition so you may think that I am not qualified to talk about it. You’re probably right. Who does this guy think he is anyway?

I am just a regular guy trying to get a grip on understanding the world around him. And the more people I meet, the more people I speak to, I start to realise how big of a deal mental wellbeing is to survive in this world. And we are not talking about it enough. When I say “we”, I mean specifically, the Chinese community (whether British-born like myself or from HK like my parents).

Traditionally in Chinese culture, mental wellbeing as a concept barely exists. Within the confines of Chinese households, especially if you are the eldest son, you’ll commonly hear such gems as “be a man”, and with it, comes a whole raft of connotations; men should get on and deal with it, suppress their feelings and don’t show emotions. There is no way that anyone would feel comfortable talking about their mental wellbeing in these almost toxic environments, when mental wellbeing is typically veiled as a choice. A choice to not want to get out of bed, or see family and friends, or step out the house and into the big wide world. How does anyone even start to discuss their feelings and emotions when you are shot down before you even get the chance to stand up?

In my experience, there is a huge pressure in Chinese society for one to live up to typically conservative expectations; do well in school, get a respectable job, marry a reliable husband or beautiful wife and start a family. In all honesty, I don’t think I’m doing very well against these standards and it has plagued me in recent years, thoughts that led me to make (arguably) questionable choices in jobs and relationships. But for others, these “standards” can have a more dire impact, likely accounting for the majority of suicide deaths in Hong Kong (ranked 32nd in the world in 2017 with a population size of approximately 7.5 million, that’s 2 million less than London).

But no one should have to suffer in silence.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Today, while Western cultures are a little more open about mental wellbeing, and Chinese communities are assimilating more into Western society, I am seeing the importance of talking about it in my every day. I hear of friends suffering through severe depression, suicidal thoughts and crippling anxiety, needing therapy and meds. While these might be isolated incidents, I believe it’s something that is not as uncommon as one might think.

I wanna make sure that mental wellbeing is seen as something important in our community.
I wanna make sure that my friends who are suffering in silence are seen in the community.
I wanna make sure that my friends who are suffering in silence know that I am here for them.

But to be there for them, there is a prerequisite that I need to know myself and be there for myself first. A friend, colleague and trained counsellor for 10+ years told me the other day, “You need to know how fucked up you are before you try to fix the ‘fucked up’ in others". I’m not gonna lie, when a close friend of mine first opened up to me about their depression back when we were in university, I didn’t know what to do or say. Just the concept of mental wellbeing was alien to me at the time. So I did the best I could. I tried to listen. I tried to empathise. I tried to understand. But I didn’t really understand.

I didn’t really understand until my first job, which I’ve now come to realise took an incredible toll on my own mental wellbeing. Growing up, I actually took pride in my apparently misguided mental fortitude, that this shit would never happen to me, until it did. Years down the road. And it made me realise that my present day social anxieties were very very real. And when it hit, I tried meditating and journaling. I wanted to be comfortable reflecting and talking about my own experiences before I can expect someone else to trust me with theirs. It’s stuff that I have always hated doing and found incredibly challenging (choosing to sit still, alone with my thoughts felt like torture) but I knew it was necessary.

Naturally, I also turned to Google and ended up educating myself through Mind and in particular, learning how I can help others.

For my family, for my friends and for my self.
I want to better myself so that I can be there for them, and for those who I have yet to meet.

I wanted to share these thoughts in the hope that other people can relate and realise that you are not alone. Not only my Chinese brethren, but anyone who decides to read my musings, made their way to the bottom of this blog, and want to actively improve their own mental wellbeing while helping others through the dark times. There is no shame in wanting to be the best version of you.

For more information on mental wellbeing, there are a ton of resources over on Mind, Samaritans, Mental Health UK and the NHS.

And if you ever want anyone to listen, my proverbial door is always open, so leave me a comment or drop me an email. Or don’t. It’s your life or whatever. Just be nice.