Left behind by my standards
Do you ever feel like that some days you are moving through life in slow motion? You go about your day, week, months and years and suddenly, something significant in your life happens that forces you to stop. Dead in your tracks. To take stock. Only to realise that you’ve been chowing down on a whole share box of Chicken McNuggets, picking up that last one, thinking “how did this happen?”.
As the eldest of three siblings in a Chinese family, there is the constant feeling of expectation and unspoken promises that I have to bear, like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Societal milestones of getting a good job, buying a house, settling down with a partner and raising a family are more highly regarded than usual in Chinese culture, in my case it’s usually down to the part-gratefulness and part-guilt of having immigrant parents who endured the challenges of the baby boomer years so I could have a “good life”. Since those milestones are so prominent, it’s only human to compare, and be compared, to others in similar situations. And that’s when those feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness and failure creep in and all of a sudden, I’m left behind.
Photo by Timothy Chan on Unsplash
I am currently single, live on my own in a flat and have an average paid job in industry. Unremarkable by many standards. However, I can’t help but see the people around me in similar circumstances who have partners or are married, have a house and a family and racing up the corporate ladder with high-flying jobs and fancy-ass titles. It hits harder when it’s my family. Seeing my younger siblings moving through life “as expected”. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and I am super happy for them but I can’t help but compare myself to them and wonder how my parents feel about it, how my extended family feel about it and the wider Chinese community feel about it.
I know I shouldn’t care and so I’m working on it. I’m trying to remind myself that I shouldn’t compare myself to others and instead focus on my own achievements in life. I have a PhD, I own property and I have a bunch of great friends (even if most of them are married with kids, but I’m not comparing… just saying!). I have to remember that everyone is on their own path in life. They are where they are, not because they’re “winning” at the Game of Life, but that’s the path they are , the people they decided to surround themselves with and the circumstances they were born into. And every path is different.
Even though I feel left behind, our lives are not so different. We’re all just trying to do our best to navigate through this mad world we live in and our paths can look very different but the end is the same. So why rush it? I know there are others out there who might feel the same, who feel that they are not where they want to be, but I would ask myself “is where I wanna be, the same as where other people are?”. Granted, it’s not the most eloquent of sentences but the sentiment is there. So here’s a message to myself: stop comparing yourself with others, you are on your own path, do whatever makes you happy. And if it resonates with you then great! You can read more about the nonsense that goes through my tiny sciencey brain in my other blogs. I wouldn’t be mad if you reached out to let me know how you approach these situations of feeling left behind, and how you correct course by turning right ahead. Or don’t. It’s your life or whatever. Just be nice.
